The windows are open since this morning. It feels so so so fresh and nice just to have the windows open. The apartment just smells so spring today! Although the air feels damp and I need to bring the dehumidifier to the studio and give it a few hours run. It always helps to bring down the extra humidity the fabrics actually need. I have been working on these A sidewalk pouches last few days. It is such a perfect pouch to work with during the oddly schedule week. I was able to pick up and leave stitches as I go. I love added extra leather pull on them this time! It makes them triple sweet! :)
It is always nice around this time of the year that things are less busy and we are so ready for spring to come. Perhaps this long winter has just been too long for us; living in a small space and trying to stretch out, sometimes it does feel intense. I've gone through storage room twice and put together few bags for donations and next would be the kitchen. Less is more! Perhaps living in a small space isn't too bad after all. We really have been paying more attentions to what we bring home and how we live with limited storage and space now. Sometimes, I think of the garage that I used to have where boxes lived and roller skates stay.
It's been a long week for me! Maybe it is the daylight saving that effects my sleeping hour. But I am loving that extra one hour daylight before the dark arrives. That extra hour daylight just enough to finish last row of hand quilting before the night kicks in. Getting back to studio and being productive feels so great! Picking up the routine is probably the most challenge these days. There are interruptions, there are downtimes, and there are endless life events, but these are good to have around, so it makes life run!
This week, I met with my friend in Central Park for a good walk and talk. I shared with her how I have felt that I might have rush through my last 10 years. I have never though about it until I talked about it. I looked back the last 10 years. It felt so quick and so long at the same time. I was feeling so sick in my mid-30's right after graduate school; it was a sense of lost direction. That soon brought me into depression where life was really hard to face and things were moving slowly. It took some time to gain that energy and optimistic back. I am thankful to the family supports and friendships that I received and brought me back on track again.
I think it is alright to say that I wasn't all that happy and felt accomplished in my 30's. It was a try and fail time for me. I feel I was running against with the air and trying to catch up the next freshest air if I could! I know that sound so oddly I said that, but I think I was afraid that I miss something! and I was a younger mother, had more energy. I've always prepared and ready to get going! I know, so tiring!
Look back the graduate school time, there were so little sleep time! I've always curious and adventure about life and always felt lonely because I didn't really know where to ask for advises and take a break. It was stubborn and challenge! Friends would look at me and said that I was so brave and so strong, but I think I was pretending that I was able for all! I had more edges than I though I might! It takes time to let that edges smooth out some and gain some wise strings. Now, I don't really remember how in the world that I made it through the grad school and watched my solo exhibition went up and took down! Packed everything and moved again!
When I really learn to slow down with myself was probably the end of 2017 where everything was falling into the place and the contentment of settling down in east coast finally arrived. I spend my commute time reading news and books,even listening to some musics that I like. I never really have the time to pick up these readings for myself last 10 years. It feels fulfilling that I am actually knowing the news around and reading books; sometimes, I tear for the stories. how silly is that?
Now I feel comfortable telling myself that it is alright to be in bed at 9 because my body really needs to just be there! It is alright to tell everyone that I am tired, so they can do the dishes and pick up the laundry when it's done. It is right I don't need to be the last one in bed anymore because I am always the first one now. Yes, how nice! I can't really follow up with my teen these days because she has her little something that she likes to be alone.
I really love where I am now! I learn more about myself and knowing how to be with myself. I know that I am still not really satisfy with my career, but I know it will take the right placement and time to come. I'll still need to push myself more on that. I need to balance the rush and slow me all together, so I am not outweigh any of two. The life pattern that I am follow these days is generous and gentle. It allows me to be slow down and really take a step a time.
And maybe without last rush through 10 years, I wouldn't be where I am now! I am thankful to be here! Yes, last fall I turned 40 and really, it feels a sense of calm and mature. I plan to take steady steps for the next 10 years. I might not be here 10 years later, but surely I am here now!